Kelsey Kiel: "Be You, Unapologetically"

Why is being yourself so f*cking hard sometimes? I know the feeling.

"If I just act this way, wear this outfit, weigh this amount, lift this much weight, buy this phone, use this product, THEN (and only then) I'll be worthy of love." - Me to me.

The truth is that being yourself is the only thing you CAN be, and on top of that, it's the only way you can be truly loved.

It's something I've only just recently come to terms with. About 6 months ago, I interviewed Kels Kiel for my upcoming book and her message of unapologetic self-expression has been something I've carried with me every since.

Kels is a badass unicorn of a human being, from the inside out. She also happens to be a pretty phenomenal CrossFit athlete, and a huge role model for women everywhere.

Her vulnerability, honesty, and openness with me brought me to tears and I admire her deeply for her courage. Enjoy.

Can you explain a little bit about how you grew up?

I grew up in a small town in a suburb of Philadelphia. I went to a religious school... it made for an interesting childhood; learned a lot about how we were "supposed" to act, what was appropriate and what wasn't.

Some of my fondest memories growing up all have something to do with my sisters or my friends throughout grade school. I was lucky to have some of the most fun girlfriends ever. Whether we were playing Man Hunt throughout our small town or sneaking out of Jess's house to go meet up with the boys on the golf course, we were always having fun and *trying* to stay out of trouble.

When did you start participating in sports? What was that experience like?

I played sports my entire life. Growing up I was always on a team. Soccer turned into so much more for me.

I think you learn a LOT about yourself when you are on a team. You learn how to navigate relationships at an early age.

I remember not wanting to play club basketball in middle school because some girls that were mean to me played, so I wanted to avoid them (how sad is that? girls are so tough, sometimes).

Playing a sport in college was the best experience. College is freaking scary. I was one of the lucky ones that was able to come into a brand new school, as a little ole' freshman and already have a group of girls that had my back. You automatically have 24 sisters, which was a really, really cool thing.

I did a LOT of growing up being on that team, too. We worked hard together, we cried together, we fought, we smiled, we laughed and we got through the tough training sessions together. That's a bond you don't really get any other way. I feel lucky that I had those girls there for me, specially when I was going through some of my own personal stuff. They were always there.

How did you get into CrossFit and what opportunities did that create in your life?

I started CF in the spring of 2014. I did my first Open in 2014 after Crossfitting for like 1 month (finished like 30,000th lol).

At this point in my life I was living at home, trying to figure out what I really wanted to do (post graduation), and was partying (drinking and eating all the things) pretty often. I moved into Philly, where I took a few months off of CF (mostly because I was now paying rent, so I had to save money). I got back to a few times a week at a gym in Philadelphia in the fall of 2014. In 2015, I had that 'aha' moment (x2). First: 15.1A was when the 1RM clean and jerk was programmed in the Open. I clean and jerked 225, which placed me 2nd in that part of the workout in my region. I realized that if I could figure out the other side of the sport (you know, like being fit, not just kinda strong, haha), that maybe I could be okay at this thing.

The second moment happened in May of 2015, when I ended up taking first at a local competition. I was excited about the placing, but I remember someone telling me that it was "good" but that there weren't any regionals level athletes there (as they would have been training for Regionals and not doing local comps). That fueled me. I met my future coach at that competition. I switched gyms, I dialed in my nutrition, and I surrounded myself with athletes who were going to push me to become a different level athlete.

Its funny - because you can never connect the dots looking forward / when you are IN it. Looking back, it all adds up and I can see how I am where I am now. The journey is what its all about, right?

switched gyms, put myself out there, which opened doors and led me to meet people who ultimately would become my best friends, my teammates, and the people who are rocks in my life to this day.

Looking at all the people in my life, the situations I've been in, the jobs I've held, the relationships I've had - can all be traced back to this sport. Yes, my childhood friends are still there and I love catching up with them, as well as my college teammates, but on a day to day basis, this sport has brought some of the best humans into my life. Its a really, really cool thing.

Not only has Crossfit impacted my life path in regards to jobs and relationships with other people, its HUGELY impacted my relationship with myself.

How has CrossFit and sports impacted the way you feel about yourself and your body?

I've always been a bigger girl. I played a sport through college that, yes, there were some big girls, but lots of soccer players are smaller built. I never loved myself. I was always SO self conscious, hiding behind my friends in photos, seeking validation from guys in probably (definitely) the worst ways. I drank alcohol or ate food to hide how I really felt about myself. It was a pretty vicious cycle both in college and when I graduated.

Looking back, I absolutely used those things (food, alcohol, sex, etc), as a way of coping with not loving myself or feeling like I deserved to feel beautiful or loved or worthy or brave. Looking back at the four years I spent away at school are hard sometimes. I went through a pretty traumatic experience my freshman year that I never really came to terms with (until the past year, actually). I think that I chose to pretend the rape didn't happen, but that it damaged my feeling of self worth more than I ever could have imagined, specially in regards to how I treated myself and my body.

It wasn't until I started paying attention to my fitness and nutrition (and really looking at my relationships with others and ultimately with myself) that I realized how amazing my body was.

I never appreciated it for that it could do. I can lift things I never in a million years I would have thought I could lift. I've learned to appreciate every single thing that my body can do, which is a pretty amazing thing. Of course, there are some days that are tough. One of my favorite things to remind myself is that comparison is the thief of joy. Every single person's journey is their own.

If you could write a letter to your former self, what would you want to say?

Dear younger me:

You are allowed to hurt. You are allowed to cry. You are allowed to be scared. But don't let anyone dull your shine.

You are strong, you are beautiful, and you are enough: just how you are right now.

You will go through things in your life that will test you, will make you stronger, and make you grow. You'll come out the other side of it all a better version of yourself.

But remember this - its okay to rely on people, to fall down, and to ask for help.

You are allowed to feel special. You deserve to love yourself.

Be you, unapologetically.

If you could give one message to the women around the world, what what you tell them?

There are so many *things* out there that tell us women to be quieter, to be smaller, to fit a specific mold that we *should* be. I call bullshit on it all.

We are allowed to be loud if we want to be loud, we are allowed to take up space, and we are allowed to be unapologetically ourselves.

We are allowed to speak up about things we are passionate about just as much as we are allowed to be quiet and take time for US: to heal, to learn, to breathe.

We get one shot as this life, man. Let's make it the best one we can.

Kelsey on Instagram: @kelskiel